The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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