based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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