I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
