I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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