so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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