are you still at the devil's house?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
