My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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