I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
