Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
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I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
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I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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