My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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