just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
