I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
