My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
