My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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