Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
