I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
