Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
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His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
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Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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