I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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