forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
