Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
