Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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