There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
