At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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