They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
