Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
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i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
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Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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