The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
