so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
