My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
