we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
