I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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