im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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