Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
