how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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