My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Everyone says I win the strip club
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
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