tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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