I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
At least make sure they are 18
Why
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
