walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
