I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
where are my eyebrows?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
