so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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