It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
