Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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