your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
