just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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