Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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