got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
