if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
