At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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