just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
