I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
We were destined to go to rehab together
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
