in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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