look no pants
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
40s are totally the cure
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
