Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
