I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
