come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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