I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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