it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
