i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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