Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
